When was the last time I drew? I’ve forgotten.
The thoughts are back.
I want to create, but I can’t. My confidence is shot. I can’t even look at my tablet without feeling disgusted. Everything reminds me that I’m a failure.
Of course, I know I’m not. I think I’ve drawn some pretty nice stuff now and then, and there’s always room for improvement. I have almost 700 followers now, though I’ve lost a couple over the past few months. Not that I blame them. And even though my brain keeps moving goalposts (”If you were any good, you’d have 1000 by now!”), I know in a fandom with as many talented artists as this one has, getting 700 in 3 (or is it 4 now? I’ve lost count) years ain’t bad! Besides, you should never measure your artistic success by numbers.
But I can’t help it. I’m naturally competitive, and it’s ingrained in me to use some sort of numerical system to track my success. Followers, reblogs, likes, faves, upvotes, whatever. Bad Yakoshi, I know. Draw for yourself, not others. But I like drawing for others! I love sharing with my friends, giving them something meaningful that makes them smile. So it’s a tricky balance, trying to make something I’m happy with, but everyone else enjoys too. So when I create something that doesn’t get as much attention as I think it should, it’s a failure. If I create something that others like, but I think is shit, it’s a failure. If I don’t create anything, it’s definitely a failure.
I’ve given myself a ¼ chance of success. That’s a lot of opportunity for failure.
Compliments are nice, and I thought that maybe I’d finally learned how to accept them. But with the way I’m currently processing things, telling me I’m a “good artist” just comes off as patronizing. I want to believe people actually like what I draw, but my cynical side ain’t having that shit. It’s frustrating for everyone involved, I’m sure. Sigh.
I’m not even sure what I’d do to celebrate hitting 700. Should I wait until 750? Maybe by then, I’ll feel like I deserve to be called an artist again.
