I like pandas.

Went out of town for a couple of days to help family, came back with the flu. Slept 16 hours yesterday, ended up with a fever of 101.3 (too tired to convert). Ibuprofen is helping, at least.

I’ll try get back to ATG as soon as possible, but health comes first. Get your flu shot if you can, ‘cause this shit sucks.

Hey y’all.

Could I ask y’all for a favor? As those of you that actually read my text posts know, I’ve been having a bit of a rough time over the past month. It’s been nearly impossible to draw thanks to anxiety, which sucks hardcore because art is my main creative outlet. I really want to draw again, but I can’t find the motivation.

I guess I’d just like some positivity, some encouragement. My ask box is always open, anons are fine. I’d just like to hear from y’all. Thanks.

When was the last time I drew? I’ve forgotten.

The thoughts are back. I want to create, but I can’t. My confidence is shot. I can’t even look at my tablet without feeling disgusted. Everything reminds me that I’m a failure.

Of course, I know I’m not. I think I’ve drawn some pretty nice stuff now and then, and there’s always room for improvement. I have almost 700 followers now, though I’ve lost a couple over the past few months. Not that I blame them. And even though my brain keeps moving goalposts (”If you were any good, you’d have 1000 by now!”), I know in a fandom with as many talented artists as this one has, getting 700 in 3 (or is it 4 now? I’ve lost count) years ain’t bad! Besides, you should never measure your artistic success by numbers.

But I can’t help it. I’m naturally competitive, and it’s ingrained in me to use some sort of numerical system to track my success. Followers, reblogs, likes, faves, upvotes, whatever. Bad Yakoshi, I know. Draw for yourself, not others. But I like drawing for others! I love sharing with my friends, giving them something meaningful that makes them smile. So it’s a tricky balance, trying to make something I’m happy with, but everyone else enjoys too. So when I create something that doesn’t get as much attention as I think it should, it’s a failure. If I create something that others like, but I think is shit, it’s a failure. If I don’t create anything, it’s definitely a failure.

I’ve given myself a ¼ chance of success. That’s a lot of opportunity for failure.

Compliments are nice, and I thought that maybe I’d finally learned how to accept them. But with the way I’m currently processing things, telling me I’m a “good artist” just comes off as patronizing. I want to believe people actually like what I draw, but my cynical side ain’t having that shit. It’s frustrating for everyone involved, I’m sure. Sigh.

I’m not even sure what I’d do to celebrate hitting 700. Should I wait until 750? Maybe by then, I’ll feel like I deserve to be called an artist again.

As of last week, I am no longer employed. Having a steady paycheck was nice while it lasted.

I wasn’t exactly sad about it at the time. I can’t say I thoroughly enjoyed what I was doing (even if I was very good at it); it was just a job to me, after all. But it’s still disappointing to be right back where I was about 2 years ago.

I’m disappointed with myself, and lacking any motivation to even do things I enjoy at this point. Too much uncertainty causes anxiety. I can only imagine how I’d be doing without the meds.

I have a ton of projects in the works, from button and sticker designs, to commissions, to VA work I’m very behind on. I want to get them all done, and I apologize again to anyone I’ve kept waiting. I’m just not feeling very confident or creative at the moment. It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t left my bedroom for the better part of two weeks.

Thanks for your understanding and patience while I work through this. I hope I can get back on the horse soon, so to speak.

Hey y’all. Just wanted to vent a bit about what’s been going on in my life lately, and how it’s affected my artistic output. I’m sure you’ve noticed that I haven’t really posted much over the past month or so, and I thank you for not jumping ship in the meantime. I’m not sure how many of my followers are actually active, but I appreciate all of you nonetheless.

My health had been declining for the past few months, physically and mentally. I knew that taking this current job would mean I’d become more sedentary, but I didn’t expect it to take as much a toll as it has. I put on at least 30 pounds, which caused all sorts of other complications (especially for someone who was already overweight), and what I used to think was just feeling down about myself from time to time turned into full-on depression. I lost all motivation to do anything, including draw, cook, or socialize.

And if you know me, you know I love to draw and cook. Socializing? Well, at least sometimes.

It started to affect my work too, to the point where I found it difficult to even get out of bed anymore. I missed quite a few days of work, and they were not happy about it.

So I talked to my doctor, and now we’re working on it. Never thought I’d get to the point where I’d need medication, but you’ve gotta do whatever it takes to keep yourself healthy. The first couple of weeks were rough, what with my brain trying to adjust, but now, I’m honestly feeling much better. Haven’t felt useless, pathetic, ugly, anxious, or stressed for a week or so now. So things are looking up, I’m making progress!

I wanted to thank everyone for their patience, especially those that commissioned me. I haven’t forgotten about you! I promise you’ll get what you paid for, and soon. I’ve been trying to get back into the groove of drawing again, it was just hard to find the motivation when I had no mental energy and my brain was telling me nothing I did was worth the effort. Thank you for trusting and believing in me. <3

I got a new job! I know most of y’all don’t follow this blog to hear about my personal life, but I figured I’d share a bit since it might affect my output going forward. It’s been a rather rough past 7 months or so (car accident, lost job, Suzy passing; 2016 didn’t do me any favors, I’ll put it that way), but on a positive note, I made giant artistic strides, and a ton of new friends and followers.

So I figure it’s only fair to give y’all warning that I might not be able to crank out the ponies as quickly as I used to. Not that I plan on slacking, but I’d rather not work myself to death if I can help it. My work hours are gonna be kinda heavy: 10 hour days, 6 days a week. Doesn’t sound very pleasant, but when you’ve been unemployed as long as I have, you can’t be picky when an opportunity finally comes along.

I suppose this is why people start Patreons, but I honestly don’t feel like I’m in any kind of position to ask people to give me money every month for something I do for fun and self-edification. (Commissions are still cool, they feel a bit more personal and help me make ends meet.) I’ve still got a ways to go as an artist, and as much as I love creating and honing my craft, I don’t think I’m at that level yet. There’s still plenty of room for growth, and now that growth might be a little slower from now on. Besides, I know myself too well. I’m bad at time management, and I procrastinate. It wouldn’t be fair to y’all to make promises I might not be able to keep, I take pride in my work and my word.

I appreciate all the support and kindness y’all have given me. I can only hope I continue to earn your respect and make you laugh, even though there might be a few less drawings. My inboxes are always open, if there’s ever anything you want to say or share. I love hearing from y’all! I read everything, and plan on responding to all of them.

Wish me luck tomorrow!